I’ve done a bit of work for Dark Moon Press and another company. On top of that, I have finals coming up, waiting for my financial aid and planning courses for the next 4 semesters. (Give or take.) I’ve hoped to transfer soon, but I’m not certain it’s a good move. I wanted to take as many courses as I could before transfer. It’s cheaper at the community level, and not paying hundreds a unit at state.

As I understand it, I could take every math class and transfer to state. I plan to do that, so I don’t have to pay for the state classes. I’m more likely to get personal help at community, too, which is exactly what I need. I’m still horrible at math, no matter what my teachers said in high school. Practice does not make perfect.

Sometimes, perfect does not exist. You’re just wasting your time.

I’d rather be taking a language or English class, my two better subjects. I’d even take a history or religions class, my newly favorite subjects. Instead, I’ve been taking math classes.

I’ve arranged my classes for next semester to include subjects I actually enjoy, not just subjects I have to suffer through. I’ve looked at include a coding class or something. Even though it’s an easy A, I still want to take it for relaxation purposes. It’s been a horrible few semesters, so you can understand my feelings about everything.

Even with a little help, I struggle to remain focused. I’ve been passing around the idea of taking up meditation again and add yoga for good measure. I could use the discipline.

Or join the military.

As it stands, that’s probably the only way I’ll get a decent job. Or any job at all. A part from working freelance at design, I still don’t have a good, steady job. I mostly consult and stuff, which doesn’t pay enough to support the stuff I need it to support. Since getting rejected for financial aid so many times and not getting a scholarship, I’ve estimated the cost of state and saving up as much as possible.

Sort of.

I’ve been paying bills and helping my family out.

Speaking of which, there was a huge argument today. I would mostly blame my father for it. He’s been so rocky and everything. My brother’s been an asshole, too.

So, that’s why I’m sitting in a cold coffee shop making a post to you guys. I’ve struggled with so much stuff, so I don’t need my family on my back. In their minds, I don’t do real work—so any time I spend completing a few chapters or a few lines of coding is just being lazy and computer addicted. I don’t say anything because it won’t do any good.

Despite what others have said, I still feel like a replacement child; nothing went their way the first time, so their hopes were migrated over to me. I still feel like I’m just a healthy body or good mind. I feel like that with a lot of people, though, so I try not to have hard feelings about it.

Granted, sometimes I’m using my computer to get away from my family or troubles. I concentrate on coding, writing or teaching a class, just so I won’t have to concentrate on everything that isn’t going the right way for me. It’s the only way I stay sane and kind to people.

Or I read, too. Most of the time, I’m just listening to music and reading on my laptop for stress relief.

I’ve been hoping to get people in on my ‘be yourself’ crusade. If my latest effort works at all, I’ll be able to kick-start it.

Right now, I just need to take notes and pass my finals. I’m going to scream if I don’t pass.